Now you've heard of a fellow called Watson 
And young Albert his subject and chum.
And that these two together have shown us
How Behaviourism was done.

Well the truth of this terrible story
Makes psychologists cower in shame
As Watson, he got quite a slanging
But Albert got none of the blame

Well it started one day in Chicago
When Watson was feeling quite blue
The white rat he'd written his thesis on
Had gone off and hid in the loo

It wouldn't come out when he asked it,
Even threatened to bring in t'cat
The only thing that proved successful
Was a big lump of cheese and a trap

We know that this actually 'appened 
And we can logically prove it you see
If rat hadn't succumbed to t'Cheddar,
He wouldn't be called Phd

Well Watson found this all was quite boring
And psychology then was right glum
Old Pavlov had found, that dogs drooled at a sound.
Even Russians were 'aving more fun

Now Pavlov had interested Watson
And he saw how the rat had behaved
It 'adn't listened to any pleading
But had taken the cheese to its grave

So he tried to "condition" some babies
But they didn't react quite the same
His wife she went home to her mother
Said "I'm not rearing kids for thy games"

 (wife left him just after he got his Phd)

When his wife left she took all the kiddies
And he had no more subjects to run
So he took out an 'ad' in the paper that read,
"Required for Conditioning--- one son"

News of this soon had reached Blackpool
Where the Ramsbottoms lived by the sea
And Ma said to Pa, "We'll send Albert across."
Pa said "The further the better for me"

Now you've heard of young Albert Ramsbottom
And the trouble he caused at the zoo
By poking a lion he caused quite stir
With the lion, his ma and the Pru

Well, Ma'd had a "perm and condition"
And thought it would be quite a treat
To send Watson her grubby young offspring
And get him returned looking neat.

They bought Albert a Steerage-class ticket
On a cargo ship just leaving port
And the captain, a man of good standing,
Said he'd drop the lad off near New York

There was quite a t'do on the quay side
Ma was weeping buckets of tears
Pa had to cancel his darts match
(First time he done that for years)

The trip to the states was quite peaceful
Though the little boat bobbed like a cork
They went out of their way for young Albert
And stopped at Chicago, to save 'im the walk.

It was down on the docks in Chicago
Where Watson met Albert on t'pier
There's a sign above number 5 coal tip
It says "Watson and Albert met here"

"How do" said Watson with fever
(At the time he didn't feel well)
The boat Albert was on had been carrying pigs
But Albert was used to the smell

Well he rushed the lad off to his workshop
Where the you fella expressed some delight
The zoo down in Blackpool was nothing like this
There were hundreds of rats, all snow white.

Albert asked if he could have one
And Watson replied "Take you pick"
But every time he tried to grab one
Watson banged a big gong with a stick.

(The original experiment that started the
school of 'Behaviourism"
the original Albert was, in later life,
 still terrified of fur.)

Now the noise didn't bother young Albert
But the rats started acting quite queer
And when Albert moved as to grab one
They'd cower and hide as in fear.

It was quite a strange sight in the workshop
Screams of terrified rats filled the air
And Watson tried blocking the doorway
Of five tons of terrified fur

See, the trouble with Watson's experiment
Was he'd got the right foot in wrong boot
All the rats in Chicago were running in fear
Of Albert who ran in pursuit

Now Albert knew nowt of Chicago
But he knew the way back to the boat
And all the rats were taking to water
But none of 'em knew how to float

Well what happened in Chicago
Set psychology back by ten year
'Cos there wasn't a rat in the city
That hadn't run or drown in its fear

And worse was discovered by Watson
When some new rats arrived in by train
They behaved in a sensible manner
Till someone would use Albert's name

Watson took all this quite badly
Called Albert a saucy young tyke
Packed up all his gongs and his hammers
And went off to sell "Lucky Strike"

 (Watson left psychology and worked in
advertising  "Reach for a Lucky
instead of a sweet" was his first slogan)

Now if you don't believe what I've told you
And your keeping a rat in a box
Creep up to the cage like a toddler
Whisper "Albert Ramsbottom" and watch.

Had to recite it at the Psychodypoeticus meeting
Also had to put it on tape for a Psychology tutor from London and I think
an American Psychologist also grabbed it a while ago.